on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
