im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
