He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
