Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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