Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Too much gin, very little bucket
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
