I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
