Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
