i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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