Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
