Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Im part way to drunk.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
