note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
