Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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