i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
