Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
