I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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