rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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