Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
