i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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