When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
