I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
