Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
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Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober