Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested