Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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