its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
