it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
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people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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