I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize