Already got asked if we're dating
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
