I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
