I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
