True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
