Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
