you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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