I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
