He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
