I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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