You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize