apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
