he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
