I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Success! We fucked roommates!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
