Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
