you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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