Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
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Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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