Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
