Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
