My friends, they love my intelligence
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
