i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
