Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
