do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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