I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
