If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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