doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
