i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
