I just made out with a guy for $7.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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