I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
