So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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