there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
