eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
